Awakening

At first glance, Ozzie Anderson would appear to be a normal guy walking his two dogs. There was a time when Ozzie was normal, and he didn't like it at all. To Ozzie, submitting to normality was akin to emotional slavery.

Why would a man with these feelings choose to be a cop? A scrutinized profession to say the least.

Ozzie could follow the rules, he just hated it.

There were rules, and then rules about the rules, and rules about the rules that are about the rules. And then rules for those.

Meanwhile there are times when life sucks, when evil happens.

You discover that there is no safety in numbers...or rules. Rules do nothing for the reality of a dead child killed by a drunk driver. The rules were not helping the convenience store owner, that Ozzie found dead on the floor, having been murdered for money to buy a couple hundred bucks worth of drugs.

Now, Ozzie Anderson is a man who chooses to live his life in his own private reality. He doesn't care what anyone thinks about him, his life or how he chooses to play life's game.

This doesn't mean that Oz is an asshole, although...it really doesn't bother him too much when he is.

Then there is Pedro and Sweetieface. Two dogs you will delight in meeting.

Pedro is a seven year old Black Lab/Doberman with a marvelous intellect...according to Oz. In Ozzie's reality, Pedro talks, rather he thinks, and Ozzie hears.

Sweetieface is a bit of a wonder. A gifted athlete, talented in her affection for Ozzie and Pedro. A three old Boxer, a truly beautiful specimen. Suffice it to say that Ozzie, and Pedro, consider Sweetieface as the protector and enforcer.

As Ozzie has found his Utopia, and in that paradise he is no longer a policeman. The folks of the mountain community of Glenwood Springs Colorado, for now, have embraced Ozzie, and his strange ways.

He enjoys being a detective, although Ozzie will tell you, if you'll only but believe, that Pedro is the Detective.

In this reality, Pedro and Sweetieface do the amazing stuff, and Ozzie is along for the ride.

Sweetieface to The Rescue

Ozzie managed to get to his office by 10am. The only reason Ozzie came in that early was to hear Rush Limbaugh on the radio. When Rush was on vacation, Ozzie would not bother to go to work until after lunch. Besides, if someone wanted to talk to him, they could call him.

Ozzie only pretended to keep an office to give his wife a break. Although she had tolerated his strange ways for more than ten years, Ozzie was convinced that Salina needed real time away from the weirdness.

Ozzie had turned on the radio, and sat back in his office chair, and sipped at his coffee when he noticed two men heading toward the office from across the street. He immediately recognized the shorter of the two men.

Ozzie: Hey guys, we have company.

Pedro and Sweetie immediately came to attention.

Pedro: Oh great! It's lover boy.

Ozzie: Quiet! He's probably pissed. Looks like he brought some muscle with him. (Ozzie turns to Sweetieface as the Boxer steadied her gaze on the two men crossing the street.) Now Sweetie, if trouble comes, don't overdo it. Just wound 'em, don't kill 'em!

Pedro: She ain't no killer.

Ozzie: That's what you tell me.

The two men, with the shorter man, "Loverboy" in the lead, came through the office door. The pair did not look happy.

Loverboy: You Anderson?

Ozzie: Well, well. Look who we have here Pedro, Loverboy, and he's brought along a muscle bound friend.

Loverboy: You have caused me a great deal of difficulty.

Pedro: They are packin'.

Ozzie: I see that.

Loverboy: What?

Ozzie: Pedro, my dog ... (pointing over at Pedro, who studied the two men intensely) ... he just told me you two guys are carrying weapons.

Loverboy: (chuckles a bit) Oh he did? I've heard about you and your stupid dogs Anderson. You like to follow guys around and peek in windows.

Ozzie: I didn't have to follow you anywhere. You had women coming over to your house while your wife visited her sick mother. I really didn't want to peek in your windows, so I had Pedro do the window peeking.

Loverboy: I don't find any of this amusing.

Ozzie: Neither do I, believe me, Pedro told me you like to play dress up and get your ass spanked. I'll pass on watching that if ya don't mind.

The two visitors tightened up. Both making motions like they were going to reach for their poorly concealed weapons.

Ozzie: Careful men. If you reach for those weapons, that Boxer will tear you apart.

Muscle: She don't look so tough to me.

Ozzie: Looks can be deceiving. But Sweetie takes her work seriously, so do be careful. I'd hate for you two guys to get hurt.

Loverboy: We're not worried. If those dogs make a move towards us, they'll get a bullet in the head. You should be worried about yourself detective.

Pedro: You realize that this idiot is enough of a weenie to start trouble, right? Let Sweetie loose, and let's be done with it.

Ozzie: (Ozzie sat back in his chair, and looked at Loverboy straight in the eyes.) What is it you men want?

Loverboy: That's easy. You're gonna give my wife a new report. You're gonna explain that you're a nutcase, and that you made the whole thing up. You'll explain that your having problems, ... off your medication, I don't care, but you are damn well gonna convince her that you made a mistake...or....

Pedro: He doesn't want to lose his wife's money.

Ozzie: Pedro tells me that you are in danger of losing your wife's money. That's right isn't it? She has the dough and you have ...

Pedro: ...a tiny little pecker and has to buy women expensive gifts to get laid?.

Ozzie laughs.

Loverboy: What's so damn funny?

Ozzie: Oh Pedro just told me why you have to bribe women for sex.

Muscle: You're gonna laugh once too often funny man. (Muscle moved slightly towards the desk, and Sweetieface stood and let out a low growl).

Ozzie: I will once again warn you about making any attempts to pull out any weapons or hurt me in any way. That Boxer is nuts.

Pedro: Don't say that ... she's just dedicated is all.

Ozzie: (Ozzie turns towards Pedro as he sat at stern attention next to his desk) Okay, okay, she's just dedicated.

Loverboy: You like to talk to your dogs huh? You know what? You are nuts, but nuts or not, you are gonna write a new report for my wife, or you and your doggies are gonna have a bad accident.

Ozzie: I have a feeling this is going to end badly.

Pedro: Quit screwin' around. Let Sweetie take care of them.

Ozzie: (Ignoring Pedro) I have a suggestion for you, and if you have any brains, you'll take my suggestion.

Loverboy: (Moving closer to Ozzie) And what is your suggestion?

Ozzie: Pal...you need to just straighten up. Go home and apologize to your wife, stop screwing women in her bed when she isn't around.

Pedro: And she loves you even though you're hung like a mouse.

Ozzie: Stop it Pedro! You're just gonna make him mad.

Loverboy: You're a fruitcake.

Ozzie: No...now take it easy here. But Pedro was right. You should be glad that a woman of any means would tolerate a lazy bastard with tiny dick.

The Muscle had reached his limit and went for the handgun under his sport coat. He never managed to even draw his gun as suddenly a brown and white blur flew across the room. Sweetieface, with a fantastic burst of speed and energy, charged across the small office and threw her body at the head and neck of the Muscle man. He was caught off guard, and fell backwards over the coffee bar and copy machine, crashing to the floor.

Pedro charged at Loverboy and bit him as hard as he could right on the shin, and suddenly both Loverboy and Muscle were crying out with pain. Sweetie made another hard charge and crashed into Loverboy just as he tried to grab his weapon from the floor. Both Sweetieface and Loverboy crashed over Ozzie's desk and onto the floor.

The Muscle had recovered and aimed a 9mm at Ozzie. Sweetieface charged at the big man and caught him right in the crotch, and bit down hard. The Muscle man let out a scream, more of a roar... a roar that could have been heard for blocks. The Boxer would not let go of Muscle man's privates, and shook her head violently from side to side. Again, the big fella screamed in pain.

Pedro had moved over to stand on the chest of the now stunned Loverboy.

Pedro: Better tell them to back off, or Sweetie will neuter that guy!.

Ozzie: Back off Loverboy! Or that dog will ruin your friend. Understand?

Loverboy: Okay! Okay!

Ozzie: Sweetie let 'em go!

The Boxer let go of her deadly grip of what was Muscle man's manly parts. The big man laid on the ground and moaned loudly. Ozzie reached for his cell phone, and soon a friendly voice answered: "Glenwood Police, this is Sgt Mike Ward."

Ozzie: Hey pal, this is Ozzie Anderson. You better get over here to my office.

Sgt Ward: I really don't want to hear that you and your dogs are causing problems again Oz.

Ozzie: We didn't start anything Mike. Better hurry, and call an ambulance.

Sgt Ward: Ambulance?

A Man Has Got The Right

Sgt Ward: How many times we gotta through this kind of report Oz? Those men want me to press charges! That boxer needs to be locked up!

Ozzie: You don't mean that. Sweetieface is a lovable dog. She won't hurt a fly...

Sgt Ward: Unless that damn fly would dare to bother you or that other mutt. (Pointing at Pedro)

Pedro: He calls me a mutt? Have you seen his wife?

Ozzie: Be nice.

Sgt Ward saw that Ozzie directed his comment to the Dog. Not again. It drove Ward crazy when Ozzie did that crap.

Sgt Ward: Please Oz, don't start up with the dogs.

Ozzie: You want me to just let Pedro insult your wife? You should'a heard what he just said.

Sgt Ward: I don't wanna hear about it. That crazy Boxer practically chewed off everything that guy will ever care about!

Ozzie: They came in here armed. I warned them not to pull their weapons, and when they did, well...Sweetie protected me, and took care of the situation.

Sgt Ward: There will come a day when that guy realizes he's never gonna have kids, he'll probably be back to kill you both. What was their beef anyways?

Ozzie: I was hired by Loverboy's wife to find out if he was foolin' around. She was heading outta town, and wanted me to keep an eye on him. Loverboy turned out to be quite the man of action, and had various house guest and bought them gifts with her money.

Sgt Ward: And you turned over that report to his wife.

Ozzie: Loverboy didn't like it.

Sgt Ward: I'm not a big fan of this private detective business of yours Oz.

Ozzie: You didn't mind when we found that missing girl last month, did you?

Sgt Ward: You were lucky.

Pedro: Lucky my ass! I tracked that girl for three miles in the freakin rain!

Ozzie: Pedro does not share your analysis of his rescue of that toddler.

Sgt Ward: I'm not interested in Pedro's opinion Oz. I get almost a daily call from citizens complaining about that damn dog! Why do you let him scare little old ladies?

Pedro had a mischievous side to him, and enjoyed a timely "bark attack". The dogs traveled everywhere with Ozzie, usually with their heads stuck out the window of Ozzie's old Buick. Pedro loved, and I mean loved, to watch for older gals to be standing on a street corner, just minding their own business. Then, just as they would reach the unsuspecting lady on the street corner, Pedro would shock them with several sharp and loud barks, usually leaving the startled old lady with her groceries on the ground.

Of course Ozzie would scold Pedro when he'd do this, but could not help but be amused at the look Pedro would get...something akin to a sheepish look, almost like his was grinning or chuckling to himself. Freakin' dog looked like Don Rickles when he did that.

Pedro: It's a weakness, what can I say? Besides, it's good to give them old girlie's a bit of a stir. Some of them gals haven't been stirred since Reagan was in office.

Ozzie: Pedro has an ornery side to him but he is a damn good investigator.

Sgt Ward: Oh please Oz! I told you, I don't have time for that crap today. I have to figure out how to tell the Captain why I am not having that Boxer put down for chomping off a mans penis!

Pedro: I think Muscle man's penis will survive Oz...he'll just fire blanks from now on.

Ozzie: Not now Pedro.

Sgt Ward grabbed at an overturned chair and sat down, somewhat exasperated. Ozzie was a pain in the ass...and yet, this quirky detective, and his damn dogs, had solved several crimes the past three years.

Sweetieface came over at sat next to him and waged her little tail. Ward knew the dog was conning him, but he couldn't resist and gently rubbed her head. These dogs, and this goofy Ozzie, had sure helped on hard cases recently. There was the bank robbery Ozzie solved before the FBI could even get to the scene, car theft, two rapes, and of course, the missing toddler, and others. The trio were becoming the talk of the town, and that was both good and bad.

Ozzie ... or Pedro if you would believe such nonsense, had also alerted the town to a hidden gas leak, that would have been dangerous had it gone much longer undetected. Then Ozzie blabbed to the freaking newspaper that Pedro had discovered the leak and told him about it!

Ozzie seemed to truly enjoy pretending to be crazy, but it was making his life miserable. And, what was he gonna do about this loveable and terrifying Boxer?!

The Sergent could not help but appreciate Sweetieface. She had become a town hero when she rescued an unconscious rafter from the White River in Glenwood Canyon. The rescue had been quite spectacular, with Sweetieface clutching the drowning woman by her life preserver and swimming against the rapids to save her, all caught on camera of course. However, today was not Sweetie's first occurrence of injuring someone who would try and harm Ozzie.

Sgt Ward: God, I wish you were normal. You are gonna drive me crazy Oz.

Ozzie: I am as normal as I need to be.

Pedro: That is a matter of opinion.

Ozzie: No one asked you butthead.

The veteran cop couldn't' help but laugh. He tried not to, but watching this goofy, and maybe even brilliant man and his dogs, was just too much at times.

Sgt Ward: How did you happen to train this dog to be such a ferocious fighter Oz?

Ozzie: I had nothing to do with that. Pedro trained her.

Sgt Ward: (Slapping his hands hard against his legs) Damn it man! You're gonna drive me to retire or move.

Ozzie: Why ask questions Mike? Sweetie is just a freak of nature, as we all are. I don't pretend to understand it.

Sgt Ward: Kinda hard to understand when one of your dogs is chewing off some bad guy's nuts, and the other dog likes to scare old ladies. I am also tired of getting calls from your neighbor.

Ozzie; What's she whining about now?

Sgt Ward: Give me a break! You go out with your dogs every morning, and you...you all take a nice wiss. Right out there in your yard!

Ozzie: A man has got the right to pee on his own damn tree.

Pedro: That old woman comes out each morning just to watch you Oz. I think she likes ya.

Ozzie: That's not funny Pedro.

Sgt Ward: I gotta get outta here.

The Obama Voter

Two days later, a red Jeep pulled in front of the office, blocking Ozzie's view of downtown Glenwood Springs. That never made Oz happy. The dogs didn't like it either, and when the driver stepped into the office, both dogs barked their disapproval.

The visitor stopped short in the doorway ... looking at the dogs.

Pedro: Wonderful! A freakin' Obama voter Oz!

Obama Voter: Are those dogs going to bite me?

Ozzie: Hey ... you guys give the man a break will ya? (Both dogs immediately sat and quietly studied their guest) Sorry about that pal, you made them mad, and they are letting you know it. What can I do for you?

Pedro: Don't encourage him Oz - I hate wimpy white liberals.

Obama Voter: (Stepping into the office and sitting in the closest chair to the door) I hope you are Mr. Anderson.

Ozzie: That's me. What can I do for you?

Obama Voter: (Still cautious about dogs, currently starring at him) How did I make your dogs mad. I've never been here before ... I don't even know you.

Ozzie: (Pointing at Sweetie) She is pissed that your insanely red Jeep out there is blocking our view of downtown. (points to Pedro) The big guy barked at you because you're an Obama voter. He figures you have it coming.

Obama Voter: How does that dog know I voted for Obama?

Pedro: Because it's obvious! Stevie Wonder could tell you're a liberal.

Ozzie: Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind?

Obama Voter: I have some friends that are missing. The Police tell me I have to wait 24 hours to file a report, and I don't want to wait that long. I've asked around and I have been told you can help me, (paused) your dogs, uh...they find missing people, right?

Pedro: People yes, liberals are a different story.

Ozzie: I suppose Sgt Ward sent you over?

Obama Voter: He thought you could help me. He told me your dogs have found missing people before.

Ozzie: How long have your friends been missing?

Pedro: They probably ran away to find some meat to eat. No one likes tofu burgers around the campfire.

Obama Voter: We were camped with another couple south of Carbondale. Last night we all turned in. This morning I woke and I found their RV door open wide, and they are not anywhere around.

Pedro: That doesn't sound good.

Ozzie: Sgt Ward told you all about me?

Obama Voter: He told me you like to play mind games, and to ignore that. I'd like to know how you guessed I voted for Obama?

Pedro: It is so freaking obvious, just look at the guy! The grey pony tail, he has a manicure, and the duffus wears black socks with sandals. He is no hardware store owner, no, he is a school teacher. That is the only government job he could find advancement with long hippie hair. But not a major league college. This guy would still be at a big school if they'd have him, so I figure he is more like a retired junior college professor. Looks like he tows that Jeep around with an RV. He's living the retired government workers dream Oz. He voted for Obama alright. Spare us all trouble and send him away!

Ozzie: My friend, Pedro has you figured out for a retired college professor, and of course, an Obama voter. Tell ya what I am willing to do, I will bet you double or nothing for our fee to find your friends, that my dog is right.

Obama Voter: I don't like your tone or your attitude. I came for help, not to be insulted.

Ozzie: I'm not insulting you professor. I'm just a bit of a jerk is all. Don't take it personal. My dog is right, isn't he professor? (The Obama Voter stood quiet for a minute, like he was trying to analyze the weirdness he had just stepped into). Aw, you don't have to answer, Pedro is always right.

Pedro: Not always, every once in a great while I blow it.

Obama Voter: I don't know what all this nonsense about your dog is, or what problems you have with me being an "Obama Voter". I came to you for help, and you're messing with me. We are wasting valuable time while my friends are missing.

Ozzie: We are just having a little fun with you professor. Oh, I know it is poor timing, but I like poor timing. (Standing now, like he was ready to make a speech) You see this Pedro? The professor here went to the government, went to the Police for help, and guess what they said? They said "wait".

Pedro: I bet they were just awfully polite about it too.

Ozzie: (Laughs hard) That's right mister. My dog is right. They told you to wait, but they were polite about it. They said "yessir" and you wait. But me, I won't make you wait, but I've run clear outta Chapstick.

Obama Voter: You're trying to make a point, so make it.

Ozzie: Are your friends retired liberals as well?

Obama Voter: What has that got to do with anything...

Pedro: Ask him if he has a dog. Maybe I can have a little fun when he runs out on the bill.

Ozzie: Facts is facts professor. Did you know that Rednecks can always find their way home? That's documented right there. When somebody gets lost in the mountains, or gets in trouble in some river, or buried in an avalanche, odds are it is some skinny assed liberal...(gesturing) living the dream.

Obama Voter: If I wasn't desperately worried about my friends I'd get the hell out of this nut house, but I want my friends found. Will you help or not? Time is wasting.

Ozzie: Settle down professor. We are going to help you. Give me five minutes and I'll be ready to go. I'll follow you up to your campsite in my car.

Obama Voter: You can ride up with me in the Jeep if you like.

Pedro: Bloody Hell! If I have to ride in a friggin' red Jeep with a liberal college professor, I promise you - I'll have Sweetie change this guys gender before we get to any damn campsite!

Ozzie: (taking Pedro's warning seriously) Riding in that lib wagon would be the highlight of my day professor, but my dogs like riding in my old Buick.

Obama Voter: (getting more unhappy by the minute) How much is this going to cost me?

Ozzie: (quickly, with a big smile) Five hundred a day, plus expenses.

Obama Voter: Whoa now! That is too much.

Pedro: Way to go Oz. This chucklehead will never go for it.

Ozzie: Five hundred is allot of money professor. You keep your money for now, if I find your friends, you pay me my fee, no bitching allowed. With a little luck, we'll find your pals today. Five hundred isn't so much to find your friends, is it?

Pedro: It is if they are liberals.

Obama Voter: (grabs his wallet and quickly smacks five one hundred dollar bills into Ozzie's hands) I am not a cheap bastard Mr. Anderson. I was not sure if I should give this much cash to a crazy man.

Pedro: He's got a point Oz.

Ozzie: Point taken pal. (lightly slapping the Obama Voter on the back) I have to tell you, I'm not crazy, just honest. If you're honest in this world today, you are going to be called crazy.

Obama Voter: Fine by me. Let's just find my friends okay?

Five minutes later, the Obama Voter watched as Pedro and Sweetieface excitedly jumped into the old Buick.

Obama Voter: Are you sure that thing can make it to the campsite? There are a couple of pretty steep hills we have to climb. (taking a good look at Ozzie, and the beat up old Buick) I am beginning to think that Police Sergent gave me a bum steer.

Ozzie: If my car breaks down professor, I'll call the Police Sergent for help. Let's get going, we are going to need all the daylight.