The Obama Voter

Two days later, a red Jeep pulled in front of the office, blocking Ozzie's view of downtown Glenwood Springs. That never made Oz happy. The dogs didn't like it either, and when the driver stepped into the office, both dogs barked their disapproval.

The visitor stopped short in the doorway ... looking at the dogs.

Pedro: Wonderful! A freakin' Obama voter Oz!

Obama Voter: Are those dogs going to bite me?

Ozzie: Hey ... you guys give the man a break will ya? (Both dogs immediately sat and quietly studied their guest) Sorry about that pal, you made them mad, and they are letting you know it. What can I do for you?

Pedro: Don't encourage him Oz - I hate wimpy white liberals.

Obama Voter: (Stepping into the office and sitting in the closest chair to the door) I hope you are Mr. Anderson.

Ozzie: That's me. What can I do for you?

Obama Voter: (Still cautious about dogs, currently starring at him) How did I make your dogs mad. I've never been here before ... I don't even know you.

Ozzie: (Pointing at Sweetie) She is pissed that your insanely red Jeep out there is blocking our view of downtown. (points to Pedro) The big guy barked at you because you're an Obama voter. He figures you have it coming.

Obama Voter: How does that dog know I voted for Obama?

Pedro: Because it's obvious! Stevie Wonder could tell you're a liberal.

Ozzie: Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind?

Obama Voter: I have some friends that are missing. The Police tell me I have to wait 24 hours to file a report, and I don't want to wait that long. I've asked around and I have been told you can help me, (paused) your dogs, uh...they find missing people, right?

Pedro: People yes, liberals are a different story.

Ozzie: I suppose Sgt Ward sent you over?

Obama Voter: He thought you could help me. He told me your dogs have found missing people before.

Ozzie: How long have your friends been missing?

Pedro: They probably ran away to find some meat to eat. No one likes tofu burgers around the campfire.

Obama Voter: We were camped with another couple south of Carbondale. Last night we all turned in. This morning I woke and I found their RV door open wide, and they are not anywhere around.

Pedro: That doesn't sound good.

Ozzie: Sgt Ward told you all about me?

Obama Voter: He told me you like to play mind games, and to ignore that. I'd like to know how you guessed I voted for Obama?

Pedro: It is so freaking obvious, just look at the guy! The grey pony tail, he has a manicure, and the duffus wears black socks with sandals. He is no hardware store owner, no, he is a school teacher. That is the only government job he could find advancement with long hippie hair. But not a major league college. This guy would still be at a big school if they'd have him, so I figure he is more like a retired junior college professor. Looks like he tows that Jeep around with an RV. He's living the retired government workers dream Oz. He voted for Obama alright. Spare us all trouble and send him away!

Ozzie: My friend, Pedro has you figured out for a retired college professor, and of course, an Obama voter. Tell ya what I am willing to do, I will bet you double or nothing for our fee to find your friends, that my dog is right.

Obama Voter: I don't like your tone or your attitude. I came for help, not to be insulted.

Ozzie: I'm not insulting you professor. I'm just a bit of a jerk is all. Don't take it personal. My dog is right, isn't he professor? (The Obama Voter stood quiet for a minute, like he was trying to analyze the weirdness he had just stepped into). Aw, you don't have to answer, Pedro is always right.

Pedro: Not always, every once in a great while I blow it.

Obama Voter: I don't know what all this nonsense about your dog is, or what problems you have with me being an "Obama Voter". I came to you for help, and you're messing with me. We are wasting valuable time while my friends are missing.

Ozzie: We are just having a little fun with you professor. Oh, I know it is poor timing, but I like poor timing. (Standing now, like he was ready to make a speech) You see this Pedro? The professor here went to the government, went to the Police for help, and guess what they said? They said "wait".

Pedro: I bet they were just awfully polite about it too.

Ozzie: (Laughs hard) That's right mister. My dog is right. They told you to wait, but they were polite about it. They said "yessir" and you wait. But me, I won't make you wait, but I've run clear outta Chapstick.

Obama Voter: You're trying to make a point, so make it.

Ozzie: Are your friends retired liberals as well?

Obama Voter: What has that got to do with anything...

Pedro: Ask him if he has a dog. Maybe I can have a little fun when he runs out on the bill.

Ozzie: Facts is facts professor. Did you know that Rednecks can always find their way home? That's documented right there. When somebody gets lost in the mountains, or gets in trouble in some river, or buried in an avalanche, odds are it is some skinny assed liberal...(gesturing) living the dream.

Obama Voter: If I wasn't desperately worried about my friends I'd get the hell out of this nut house, but I want my friends found. Will you help or not? Time is wasting.

Ozzie: Settle down professor. We are going to help you. Give me five minutes and I'll be ready to go. I'll follow you up to your campsite in my car.

Obama Voter: You can ride up with me in the Jeep if you like.

Pedro: Bloody Hell! If I have to ride in a friggin' red Jeep with a liberal college professor, I promise you - I'll have Sweetie change this guys gender before we get to any damn campsite!

Ozzie: (taking Pedro's warning seriously) Riding in that lib wagon would be the highlight of my day professor, but my dogs like riding in my old Buick.

Obama Voter: (getting more unhappy by the minute) How much is this going to cost me?

Ozzie: (quickly, with a big smile) Five hundred a day, plus expenses.

Obama Voter: Whoa now! That is too much.

Pedro: Way to go Oz. This chucklehead will never go for it.

Ozzie: Five hundred is allot of money professor. You keep your money for now, if I find your friends, you pay me my fee, no bitching allowed. With a little luck, we'll find your pals today. Five hundred isn't so much to find your friends, is it?

Pedro: It is if they are liberals.

Obama Voter: (grabs his wallet and quickly smacks five one hundred dollar bills into Ozzie's hands) I am not a cheap bastard Mr. Anderson. I was not sure if I should give this much cash to a crazy man.

Pedro: He's got a point Oz.

Ozzie: Point taken pal. (lightly slapping the Obama Voter on the back) I have to tell you, I'm not crazy, just honest. If you're honest in this world today, you are going to be called crazy.

Obama Voter: Fine by me. Let's just find my friends okay?

Five minutes later, the Obama Voter watched as Pedro and Sweetieface excitedly jumped into the old Buick.

Obama Voter: Are you sure that thing can make it to the campsite? There are a couple of pretty steep hills we have to climb. (taking a good look at Ozzie, and the beat up old Buick) I am beginning to think that Police Sergent gave me a bum steer.

Ozzie: If my car breaks down professor, I'll call the Police Sergent for help. Let's get going, we are going to need all the daylight.